Rock bottom #2
Wow. What a couple of weeks it’s been. I want to share something very deep, very emotional, real and scary with all of you. Ever since I started my healing journey I vowed to never reach rock bottom again. Here’s the thing, we can tell ourselves something over and over and soon enough we will believe it. I have recently experienced some triggers from past trauma, that I thought I had dealt it, but in reality I simply shove the issues under the rug for I felt like it was a hopeless process to try and heal through. And so I did what I knew so well to do, I was tough and ignored this matter, up until recently.. I won’t go too much in detail for my writing below will take you to a place, that in reality many of us face far too often. I hope this message brings you hope for change, and I want you to know you are not alone despite how much it feels like you are.
✨Trigger warning ✨If you have suffered any traumatic experience or have suffered with mental health and suicidal thoughts, please proceed with caution.
Recently I was triggered by my past trauma, which set into motion an emotional downward spiral, negative self talk all meanwhile loathing in the pain.
My entire family, except me attended a family reunion recently, and I was surprised to realize just how sad I was that I couldn’t attend. The first emotion attached to this was shame. I instantly blamed myself for I should have put more work into healing the relationships with my family and forgiving my brother for his disgusting acts he played out on me when I was just a kid. It was all my fault I couldn’t attend the reunion, I told myself, you could have done better, tried harder, shown up more for past family gatherings, the list goes on...
Second, the emotion of anger surfaced as my blood boiled knowing that my brother never was prosecuted, and my family never did anything to try and get him help. How many family reunions and gatherings would I miss? Will I ever have a connection with my siblings and their children again? Will I ever be able to forgive my brother and be in his presence again? And why am I now feeling the need to connect with them? I had pushed them away after coming out about my abuse (2014) and leaving behind the religious practice I had followed my entire life. I was confused for in the past I didn’t care, or perhaps I acted like I didn’t care. I realized something, something BIG. I realized that I am finally in a place to really heal from this, meaning I must be the bigger person and go to them. To be honest about MY JOURNEY and the way things went down was NOT OKAY. Granted I am not ready to see my bother, but I am ready to start this process of healing with my other family members.. Still, in the moment rage made my cheeks turn red and hot, and that fight or flight feeling came rushing back.
Third, loneliness. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it which didn’t seem to lead to much conversation about my family issues, instead we argued about something completely separate. I was so consumed in my pain and anger that I was unable to rationalize anything. Many times as we heal we can feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness, for we feel like nobody understands, its hard to ask for help, and sometimes we get so caught up in the many emotions swarming in, that its nearly impossible to make sense if what is actually going on. In that moment of going back and forth with Cam I realized my struggles in communicating, especially in such a heightened situation such at this. Why can’t anyone understand this pain I am in? Why is it so hard to explain? Im so tired of feeling this pain which lies deep within me. Why am I not good enough? WHY HAVEN’T I MOVED PAST THIS?? My mind was spinning out of control.
And then this happened…. Leading to my forth emotion: Thoughts of suicide. I texted Cam telling him, “I need to find a counselor because all I can think about is taking my .308 from the cabinet and going out into the woods and just getting it over with. I hate how much I feel. I wish I could be numb again like I was when I was a young girl. I’ve lost the relationship with my family and anytime I bring something up with you, I come across as if I’m making you the bad guy. My heart hurts that I can’t figure any of this out and I know your there for me but I feel so god damn alone, and that’s my fault, not yours. At least if I ended things I wouldn’t have to feel anymore".”
Growing up I did a pretty damn good job at suppressing the memory and any emotion because I wanted to be strong. Well, recently now that I’ve gone through so much healing, or so I thought, I often have weighed the option of continuing this life. The pain somedays are so heavy and I feel so tired that I wish I could just turn it off. They say suicide is a selfless act which of course it is, so selfish that that person can’t afford take another day, I get that, I feel that. And that’s how I felt today. It freaked me out as questions of am I really that mentally unstable flooded my mind. The air in the room suddenly seem to escape as my lungs fought for it. My heart rate shot through the roof and my face went hot as warm tears rolled down my cheeks. I had a decision to make, either pull the trigger and end this now, or go and do what I know would make me feel better, what I’ve practiced for so long. Jumping on the four wheeler I drove like a wreak-less drunk down the road, tears falling from my cheeks making my vision blurry. I needed to get my boots on the ground and have some serious conversations with myself. I needed to feel the air in my lungs and on my skin, I needed the quiet. As I hiked along the brushy trail through the bottom of the canyon, my guard was up as I followed fresh wet bear tracks. These bear tracks were a decent size and that with just one swing of the paw to my head, my skull would be crushed. My muscular 5’ 1” body would be a easy and tasty snack for a hungry bear snoozing along the trail. As I scanned the foliage ahead and around me, I thought about dying. I wasn’t ready, there to was too much left to experience on this earth. There was more love I wanted to give to those who have also been through the ringer, there were more mountains to climb, and sunrises to see. Quickly grabbing a stick, I held onto it to make me appear bigger, more dangerous that if this bear were to charge at me, I would stand a fighting chance.
Fifth emotion: Calrity. My thoughts on dying suddenly shifted.
Mental health is real and often we feel alone because we don’t want to ruin a friends day or bother them with the some ol story. Why is that? Why is it so hard to own your story and why as a society is it so hard to just ask someone how they are doing? Like really doing. To check in and ask If they are making progress in their journey, whatever that may be. This reality is very real and very scary.
Today I stand up against suicide, and stand up to mental health.
I am here for you as a sounding board or whatever you need because trust me I know how lonely it can feel. Your not alone. Let your vulnerability bring you healing. I doesn’t matter your sexuality, spirituality, nationality, or situation, we are all in this life together so why avoid the messy, nitty gritty, real talk that needs to happen???
Much love. Draya.