Disconnect in order to Reconnect
Each one of us has gone through something in our life that has shaped us, that has forced us to change, to grow and continue to evolve. Life can be messy and hard and unfair. It can also be beautiful, and can flow like the river in my backyard. Moving forward, flowing over each rock and around each bend. Its only purpose is to keep moving, until it hits the giant wall of cement, blocking its free flow. The water now becomes stagnant, algae growing along the banks as the water rises in temperature, making it hard for the fish to breath and causing death. Life is like a river, and those dams are the toxic people in our lives or whatever is holding you back from making progress in your evolution. The equation is simple, for all you need to do is to remove that person and/or thing and you’ll find yourself much happier. Truth is, this is easer said than done, but yet it can be done.
I’ve been wanting to share with you all my experiences I have had on the mountain this past winter, but in order to do so, that would require writing a book. So, instead I’ll let you all in on certain awakenings I’ve had. By doing this I hope I can inspire you to make a positive change in your life.
I learned more about myself this past winter than I knew was possible. One day last fall I was floating down river when I hit that dam wall. I had created my own toxic habits and had lost sight of who I was. Feeling unmotivated and disappointed with myself, I went to the one place that has always forced me to become stronger. In doing so, I let those down who loved me most, and disappointed those who believed in me, all because of feeling inside me. I didn’t feel right inside and was emotionally lost. I couldn’t give an explanation on the sudden change of course, and it broke my heart knowing I didn’t have answers. Of course I didn’t know this at the time, but after months of remote and simplistic living, I had some pretty big realizations. Growing up had its flaws, just like all families, for I have yet to met someone who grew up in a perfect childhood. We never talked about hard things growing up, for the gopsel was used like a bandaid, creating issues in my adult years on communication. I ran to the mountains knowing I would find answers there. It was a terrifying time in my life, as I only trusted the feelings in my body, not the reason I didn’t possess. I give thanks for my EMDR therapist for teaching me how to recognize the feelings, emotions, and trauma we all hold within our own bodies. People always say, to trust your gut, its true. your gut can tell you many things. I also give credit to the book, The Body Keeps the Score which I am listening to for a second time around. I highly recommend giving it a read or listen.
My sudden move to the mountains set my career into motion full speed. Being back at Bear Creek and guiding clients on big game hunts lit a fire within me that had smoldered out sometime during my past. As I glassed up elk everyday for clients, had some impressive spot and stalk hunts, gutted and skinned elk in front of grown men, speachless as they watched me work my blade, so smoothly, like I’d done it a million times. I was back in my stride and a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. One early morning I was driving a client out to stand when he confided in me. He mentioned how proud he was of me for owning my voice, and sharing my story of abuse in the Colorado Hunter magazine. He also told me how his two sons had also suffered sexual abuse at just 5 years old, under the roof of their home. One of his sons has moved on, the other still struggles today. My heart broke for his boys, now grown men and clarity brought a wave of motivation over me. There was a reason I ran to the mountains, and one of them just became clear. It was time to write my book.
Proceed with caution on the next photo.
As soon as 4th rifle season was over, I opened my laptop and the words never flowed so freely. The snow fell and the temperatures dropped, and there, huddled in my cocoon, my cabin, I hibernated from the winter outside. I didn’t realize when I started writing this book, that my demons would become unchained, and feelings such as anger, weightlessness, and freedom would come over me. Many tears rolled down my cheeks as I relived childhood memories of joy, and fear. Revisiting my past, and sitting with my demons was something I needed to complete in my healing journey, and I most definitely couldn’t have done that living a normal society life. There had become too many distractions in order for me to focus 100% on what I needed to focus on. The writing became a daily task that became and allowed me to put the pieces together, and with each waking morning my soul was starving for more. As the fire crackled in my fireplace and the cats curled up together, my small rustic cabin brought new warm memories, replacing the old victimizing one’s from which my brother raped me in. It was working, I was finding a new way to forgive. The wounds were starting to heal and now as spring melts away the snow, my trauma flows down the creeks of runoff, and my soul starts to blossoms just like the green grass that is starting to appear.
As I began this new shift in healing, I too was experiencing a shift in my career. Having taking over management and guiding of Bear Creek Outfitters two remote cabins still feels like a dream, as this was exactly the dream I had as a child. I have had several conversations lately with others regarding TIMING and TRUSTING THE PROCESS and I am blown away because I am fully living that experience right now. I am chasing that childhood dream that requires nothing but dedication and hard work, as I am literally starting at the bottom. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hope you too can chase those childhood dreams and remove yourself from the expectations that society has us believing, that the only way to be successful is to check this box and that box, ignoring the answers we hold within us.
I have been reborn. I received a message from a friend one day after posting a video of Remi and I out getting a weighted hike in, he told me “most importantly you look happy.” This comment hit me hard, he was right. I now walk with confidence that I’ve never known, I love my body and its strong muscles and that stubborn fat that sticks to my sides, for it pushes me to keep moving. I finally know who I am, and what I want in this life. My goals are crystal clear, and that fire that burns inside me, it burns hot. I feel weightless most days, as I no longer carry that weight. I’m not trying to brag here, simply just sharing my experience with you, because life is messy, and scary and confusing, but in the end YOU and only YOU have the power to make a change. There is no manual for life and it can be insanely difficult and scary to trust the process. I am happy I hit that dam for it caused me to sit, to be still, but yet to fight, to keep flowing forward at the same time. Some fish stay behind the dam, others figure out how to take the plunge over, falling into the rushing water below. Some humans will play video games late into the night, spend all their money at the bar, and complain they are depressed, others will hike a mountain and have the biggest smile on their faces, their minds and bodies feeling strong. You hold the power to decide, you get to choose your happiness, and successes. Only YOU.
Thank you all for following along! Until next time..