Think Before You SPEAK
I think many times we take for granted how powerful words can be. The words we speak to others can have a life changing effect on them, positive or negative. I’ve been struggling mentally for the past few months and haven’t been able to get a grasp on why. Life is wonderful and yet I was finding myself filled with doubt and reverting back to the mentality of my younger self. It’s a scary thing knowing mentally one isn’t stable and it takes courage to dig into why.
This morning was another 4am wake up call as I headed out to hunt mule deer with my bow. I woke up with an extra boost of energy and as I hiked in under the full moon I was filled with gratitude for all the people who have supported me in my new career, and for those who have encouraged me to continue chasing my dreams. A sense of peace and warmth came over me as the frost covered everything around me. As I reached the top of the mountain I instantly glassed up the bucks I was looking for. Dropping my pack I grabbed my bow, using the ravine to help cover me so I could move in, hopefully getting in close enough for a shot. The wind switched on me and first, the elk bolt, but there’s one buck left standing. While he feeds I move in closer but with the frosty dead leaves it’s impossible to be quiet, he hears me and runs onto private land.
“How can I not fail?” I ask myself and decide to walk the fence line hoping I would see a deer at some point. A doe, or a buck I don’t care, I just want meat in the freezer. From the corner of my eye I see sky-lined just 100 yards away are three bucks, two of which are shooters. It’s obvious they’ve seen me walk through the open meadow, but they don’t seem to be in a hurry. It’s go time once again. I stay down low in elevation knowing they won’t be able to see me and I constantly stop to scan the horizon line. Feeling my phone buzz on my chest I ignore it, wanting to focus all my attention on these bucks. Reaching a tree I bend over to place my bow on the ground and as I reach for my phone I notice it is no longer in my bio harness. My hands reach for every pocket on me and I realize at some point during this stalk it has fallen on the ground and that in fact it was just nestled between my chest and harness. Curse words fly out of my lips and the frantic search for my phone begins. The more I search the more frustrated I become. “WHY ME?” “GIVE ME A BREAK!!” “I’VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD, AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?!” All my frustrations from the season come flooding back into my brain… The elk that ducked my shot, the two hunters that ruined my hunt, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be in this predicament right now!!!! It was as if the world was ending and not able to take it anymore I screamed at the top of my lungs, and once again I tell myself, “I QUIT!”
Of all the problems to have in the world this is the least but here I was on the mountain top sobbing profusely. Suddenly I wasn’t thinking about my lost phone anymore but started asking the questions of why I was reacting in such a negative way, and why I was being so hard on myself throughout the season and now.
Growing up in a family that hunted, hunting was a way of bringing us together, and when I got older and left the family religion behind, hunting was the common denominator between us, it’s what kept the relationship going, until this year. A few months back I had received a message from a family member shaming me for the language I used on a podcast, and that they could no longer support me because of it. They told me I was raised better, that I had no morals, told me to think about the family name and the reputation I was creating, and that I was just looking for attention. It completely broke my heart. After years of trying to create a new relationship I was back to ground zero and so hurt I couldn’t bring myself to be in the same room. I convinced myself I was going to let them apologize before I talked to them again and that I would be okay. I had experienced enough pain in my life that these words texted to me wouldn’t impact me. I did what I knew, I played the survivor and did what I needed to act tough and forget about it.
Sometime after that text was sent to me thoughts of suicide occupied my mind when I would be frustrated or sad. Suicide wasn’t ever something I wanted to do, and it surely isn’t now but why would I even contemplate it? It scared the shit out of me as I racked my brain trying to figure out this mental slump I couldn’t get past. I had seemed to loose the ‘yoga’ mentality of having compassion for myself and others, and on a dime I would lash out. Then today happened, and as I screamed, kicked the dirt around me and cried my eyes out I realized something. The words that had been texted to me, the ones that I thought I was strong enough to get past, it turns out they became an infection within me. I was starting to believe them. This mental slump I’ve been in, well now it makes sense. All those self doubting, criticizing and unkind things I told myself as I struggled up mountains and blew stalks were because of these words spoken to me. I chose to believe them, unknowingly, but still I did.
Let me just set this straight. I do have morals, and yes I curse, I curse a lot. They say it’s healthy for you btw. I am a true believer in manifestation, what you put out there is what you will get in return. No wonder the struggles on the mountain have been constant and daunting. No wonder I havnt’t notched my tag. No wonder I’ve been breaking down anytime the hike gets too hard. IM DONE. These words texted to me have brought me to focus on who I really am and to shamelessly BE MYSELF.
So, next time you speak to someone, please take a moment and give it some thought. Are these words you would tell yourself? Once they’re said, they can’t be unsaid, and they will leave their mark.
WHAT’S YOUR WILD??
XOXOXO
DRAYA