Breaking those chains that bound me
March 17th, 2022.
The anger resurfaced today. Anger that I can’t quite seem to get rid of. I could feel it boiling inside me, unable to sit still.
I was angry at my brother for violating me at such a young age.
I felt angry because the truth of it is, the fact that he did this to me simply got pushed under the rug, because he had the holy spirit within him.
I’m angry at the religion that my family so faithfully practices. A religion where forgiveness can make anything better. A religion that those to who practice become so narrow minded, living in fear of would happen if the gospel wasn’t so convenient. The number of children who are sexually abused and molested within the Laestadian Lutheran congregation breaks my heart. Those poor children are being raised, taught to forgive and to forget, and if they don’t, they will burn in hell for eternity. I remember being that young girl living with the fear of what would happen to me if I didn’t ask for the gospel. A gospel that ultimately made me forget that my own brother sexually abused me. I became brainwashed and walked around that like of a robot, thriving and growing stronger each time I asked for forgiveness.
I’m angry that hard things never were talked about growing up, for if they were my brother would have served time behind bars because it would have been within the statue of limitations. Anytime things were hard, the gospel would swoop in and save the day and we would move on.
I’m angry my family never took the actions to ensuring my brother served time and got professional help. A young man, breaking the law and violating his younger sister, walks away a free man all because he has the holy spirit. All of this makes me furious. A fury I’ve never felt before. I have been conditioned most of my life to believe that one must simply forgive, but not anymore.
Today as I chopped and shoveled the 2 feet of ice on my cabin roof, this intense, out of nowhere, anger fueled every single sing of the ax. It was burning hot within me, finally breaking free the chains that have bound me so far too long.
This mountain is a lonely place. The wind hits hard and sharply cold. The vastness of the landscape brings a space you can’t run from. This is when transformation begins.
People reach out to me, commenting on how I am living the dream, a romantic lifestyle of living in a cabin tucked away in the mountains. Many people have expressed their envy and that they too can use a dose of mountain time. I agree, and I welcome you to try. What happens when the demons show up at the front door, trapping you inside with your loneliness? Would you run back to society and its distractions, or would you stay and fight?
The healing journey is that of an interesting one as some days are sunny and bright, and the others are that of a storm ripping through with vengeance. Perhaps someday I’ll let go of this anger, but today I am going to harness it. I’m going to let it fuel me, reminding me of the past I don’t want to own anymore. I’m going to let it burn hot, a reminder of a world filled with ignorance and fear. I don’t belong there, I belong here, in the mountains.
This anger, it brings clarity, focus and ultimate gratitude that I left behind a world that held me prisoner.
I do not seek petty; I seek open ears to listen so perhaps our next generation will be a healthier and happy one. I seek to hear your voice too, to share your journey, to talk about hard things that life ultimately will bring us, we don’t have to do it alone. So please, let go of the fear, let go of those chains that bind you, spread your wings and fly.
